Dear Doc
I bought an Olympic torch on eBay and when I got it the thing wasn't lit. I don't need to say how disappointed I was.

Wally, Braintree

You must have got one of the French torches.

Bob
The British Gas TV advert clearly states they are there 365 days a year - don't they know it's a leap year?

Doug, Brentwood

It's a get out clause so if they don't turn up they tell you that's the day they don't do… 

Doc
How is it that supermarket bags have air-holes but dustbin bags don't? I reckon I could get a whole child in a bin bag.

Charles, Wickford

But why??????????

Doc
I'm on minimum wage but I don't mind paying more tax if it helps families with children even if that includes people like Blair, Brown and Cameron.

Ernie, West Horndon

They do need the money more than us.

Doc
I'm so comfortable in jail that I'm thinking of escaping so that I can get a longer sentence.

Mugsy, Brixton

There's logic in there somewhere.

Doc
All this fuss over Prince Will and Harry, they're not career soldiers so why not put them on guard duty at Buck Palace? They should be safe enough there and maybe they could pop home for dinner.

Ian, Ipswich

Wouldn't need a company vehicle either. Could save a fortune in helicopter costs.

Doc
Typical Tories, they want to increase duty on beer but not wine. There's a reason that heavy drinkers are called winos.

Jan, Stratford

Yes, typical. Now alcoholism and cirrhosis could become the domain of the rich.

Doc
I never liked that Prescott bloke but I now feel sorry for him 'cos he had bulimia.

David, Westminster

It has to be said that he hid it very well.

Bob
What is the ABV of meths? I think I might be exceeding the limit.

Anon, Chelmsford 

Can't help but feel that any meths is too much.